53: How to Embrace Your Fear of Intimacy with Ken PageVerified by Psychology Today. Finding Love. Popular culture assails us with romanticized images of love, and then encourages us to play dehumanizing games in order to find it. The steps I describe in this post and in my book Deeper Dating will not only lead you toward real love; they will also enrich your entire life, because they are the skills of true intimacy. Forgive me for starting off with the hardest one of all. It's immeasurably harder than surfing the web in your comfy T-shirt.
As you live from your Gift Zone, you will meet people you wouldn't have met. You will create things in the world. You will inspire people. You will feel strange and scared at times, but you will be claiming new ground of personal goodness, ground that others will want to stand on--I promise you. When you live in your Gift Zone, you will shine. Many people won't notice--and they don't have to. The people who have been hungry for a person like you will feel thankful that they have finally found you.
When you feel inspiration, validation, and acceptance around them, you'll shine. They are the ache, the compelling pull, the inner reaching that we sometimes honor and sometimes try to silence. They are the music that keeps playing below the surface of our minds.
To acknowledge our Core Gifts is to create deeper intimacy with our most essential self. They are so basic to our inner life that it's hard for us to believe everyone doesn't have the same gifts.
This can get us into a lot of trouble, because we expect everyone to hold the same values and sensitivities as we do, and when they don't meet the standards we set for ourselves--and don't even seem to care--we assume that it's because there's something wrong with us.
Rather, it's simply a matter of realizing that our gifts are deeply unique, and that not everyone shares our sensitivities. The kind of person you're seeking is someone who is drawn to your Core Gifts, your authentic self.
If you wait until you know someone loves you before you reveal these parts of yourself, it's as though you're waiting for the harvest without planting the seeds. It's the vulnerability, warmth, and humanity of your gifts that will make the right person notice and come to love you.
In actuality, there is a great cultural discomfort with joy, and our voracious pleasure seeking is often a mask for our fear of simple joy. Joy frightens us, it makes our defenses quake--it almost invites a superstitious fear of 'the other shoe dropping.
If I hadn't coached him in how to honor the almost unbearable burden of his gift, he would have felt ashamed of the depth of his love. Now, he could at least honor himself as he grieved, and that honoring helped him find his own path to healing.
Sensing what is happening in our heart, in our environment, and in the hearts of others is a profound gift. Each layer inward brings us to another level of passion.
Each layer inward allows us to love more deeply, and each trains us in a new level of skill, bravery, and wisdom.
And we often need the insight of others to help us decipher our Core Gifts. Creating a relationship with our Core Gifts is the task of a lifetime. Most of us must practice exposing ourselves to our Core Gifts in small doses, gradually increasing our tolerance for their power, their tenderness--and their immense challenge. Our deepest gifts can grow and mature, but they can never be domesticated. They will never fit into the small, safe, well-mannered boxes we create for them.
They will continue to draw outside the lines, to get us in trouble, cajole us to the edge of authenticity, cause tears we don't understand, surprise us with their emotion-filled truths. They are also most resilient in the face of trauma and disaster. If they are also wise enough to choose relationships in which their generosity is appreciated and returned, their lives become profoundly gratifying.
If you don't seize the moment and take your date's hand when you feel like it, something is lost. Saying 'I love you' and touching your partner sexually or sensually in a way that speaks from your deepest heart are both acts of generosity. And the experience of having someone respond with joy and reciprocation provides a deep sense of mastery for your gifts. I can be generous. I am wanted. I can love.
We register that 'rightness' with feelings of peace, gratification, and stability. These are signs that our Core Gifts, those barometers of our very soul, are being honored, seen, and embraced. When things feel wrong, we feel empty, sad, hurting. These are signs that our Core Gifts are somehow not being seen or honored--by others, and quite likely by ourselves.
The places where we feel most broken often don't need to be fixed. What they need is to be heard. As much as most of us want to control our own destiny, the humbling truth is that sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved--precisely in the parts of ourselves where we feel most unsure and tender. When we are loved in such a way, we feel freedom and relief and permission to love in a deeper way.
No amount of positive self-talk can replicate this experience. It is a gift of intimacy, not of willpower. When we surround ourselves with people who honor our gifts and whose gifts we also honor, our lives blossom. Who is not afraid of your passion or envious of your gifts? Who has the generosity of spirit to encourage you toward greater self-expression? These people are your gold.53: How to Embrace Your Fear of Intimacy with Ken Page
Practice leaning on them more, and giving more back to them. If you think this way, chances are good that you are sabotaging your search for love.
If you seek romantic love but are not building love into your relationships with friends and family, chances are good that you won't find what you're looking for. In a talk I attended by the renowned spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, I remember her saying, 'The more I grow, the more my friends become like lovers and my lovers become like friends.
If we don't get out in time, we're almost sure to get hurt. We keep feeling we have to do something to win our partner's love, approval, or care. We spend way too much time worrying about what we've done wrong, or what we can do differently to make things right. These relationships can trigger a sense of need and longing that robs us of our balance. With some attractions of deprivation, we see the red flags early on but can't stop ourselves.
With others, the deprivational aspects of the relationship don't reveal themselves right away. In these relationships our fear of intimacy is hiding in plain sight. We're desperately seeking a solid love--from someone who we know, deep down, won't give it to us. With an attraction of deprivation, in some odd way we are safe. I've found that the people most drawn to attractions of deprivation experience discomfort, fear, unworthiness, or anger when they are confronted with a kind, stable, and available partner.
The more we are drawn to attractions of deprivation, the less we will feel comfortable with available and caring people. Many of us need to develop our taste for healthy, stable relationships. In these relationships, our challenge is to accept and return our partner's caring, not to win that caring. Our partners might challenge us to be better, but at bottom, they love us for who we are. Attractions of inspiration are fueled by the real sense of well-being that the relationship creates in us, not by the unrelenting itch for something that's denied us.
These attractions often unfold slowly. They get richer as time goes on. They may take lots of work--but such relationships allow the work of intimacy. They make us feel love, not desperation.
Deeper dating learning partner
These are the only relationships to build a life around, the only ones that deserve the gift of our most intimate self. And I promise you, they really are out there. These relationships are not only the path to love; they are the path to our own greatness.
Through them we can find a way past the fears and wounds that dwarf us. Popular psychology tells us that we can only love others if we love ourselves first. But the real truth is often the other way around: until we feel seen and loved in the places we're most vulnerable usually the places of our deepest giftsfew of us will ever be able to fully love ourselves.
That's the great boon of relationships of inspiration. We experience our loved one seeing into our very core--and valuing what he sees. In the wake of this experience comes a sense of bravery, an innate desire to share our gifts--not out of obligation but from a sense of joyful overflow. And that makes us into just the kind of person we are looking for--one who inspires others simply by who she is.
Does he or she make you a better you? It's almost as though our attractions of deprivation are the universe's way of saying, 'There's work to be done around your relationship to this gift. When we deny them, they haunt us, often through relationships that demean that exact part of ourselves.
If you act on these lessons, you will become more creative. You'll have less tolerance for relationships of deprivation and you'll become more attracted to relationships of inspiration. You'll become a better friend to yourself and your loved ones.
These are not empty promises, and this is no secret formula. Our hearts are whispering to us--sometimes shouting to us--all the time. The issue isn't that we're not being called; it's that we prefer to ignore that call.
We feel a sense of creativity and worth. Our fear of rejection becomes less tyrannical. Connecting with the world as we really are becomes our new passion.
That is the art of deeper intimacy and it is dynamic, scary, and priceless. Kindness and generosity are intoxicating to others.
They are the very medium of intimacy. Not only does he encourage you to leave your defenses at home, he shows you with many illustrations and exercises just how to prepare for the ultimate relationship with someone who is just right for you.
No more manipulations to trap a partner! Deeper Dating shows you how to attract the love of your life by discovering and being your authentic self. Finally a true roadmap to finding true love! Deeper Dating was a revelation for me. If you desire a soulmate, lead with your soul.
Ken Page brings two qualities to his work which are marks of an authentic spiritual teacher: The first is an extraordinarily developed spiritual and prayer life which gives his insights a very special personal authenticity. The second is a superb understanding of the processes of psychic and spiritual growth toward maturity. The combination of these two qualities gives his work an inspiring authenticity.
Deeper Dating presents a fresh, truer, better take on finding love. Required reading for all the people I know who are looking for love!
Finally, a book about dating that makes you feel better about yourself, not worse! Deeper Dating is a course-in-a-book that will show you how to love yourself, and how to find others who are waiting to love someone like you — just as you are. No games, no gimmicks, just you with all of your gifts and imperfections.
Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy
You will learn that you already have all you need to find the love and intimacy you always wanted. What could be better? Deeply instructive, warm, empowering and hopeful — share it with everyone who wants more love in their life!
I only ever listened to the recordings due to time zone difference, missing the breakout groups, yet the Facebook group made me feel very much part of the group and I feel deeply nourished and enriched.
Thank you Ken for sharing your insights and wisdom with such compassion. This, I know, will enable me to assess potential partners far more accurately and steer me towards those with whom it is safe to bond and commit. Thank you Ken, from my heart to yours!
He was able to explore an intimate, often private, topic with grace and honor.
A Dating Buddy – The Quickest, Wisest, Most Enjoyable Way to Find Love! If you follow no other suggestion than this one from my podcasts, your dating life. Killer dating profile examples Best dating sites manhattan Cs go matchmaking alone Matchmaking hindi Dating website for vegetarians Online dating sites in. Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover many requesting that you have a friend (“Learning Partner”) to help you.
I felt completely safe with him. I knew I needed to open my heart in order to find my soul partner. Now, I know what that means in day to day, real living. Thank you Ken! A dynamic, compassionate and inspiring speaker, he has led hundreds of workshops for thousands of people of all ages, backgrounds and sexual orientations.
He is the founder of Deeper Dating, an acclaimed event for single people committed to deeper values. Q: What is your refund policy? A: Your satisfaction with The Shift Network and this course is our highest priority!
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A module journey to rewire your attractions and deepen your capacity for intimacy. Are you tired of shallow dates, dehumanizing dating websites, fleeting connections and endless detours that prevent you from discovering the love you deeply want?
Your dating journey can actually be fulfilling, authentic and fun AND bring you lasting, life-changing love when you utilize the transformational methods of Deeper Dating.
This leads to even more insecurity AND less ease and enjoyment. How to develop romantic and sexual attraction to people who are good for you. How to protect your new relationships from the most powerful and common saboteur of new and healthy love. Why self-improvement often leads us away from love, not toward it. Why looks, youth and success matter far less than the true skills of intimacy. Learn how your insecurities and vulnerabilities reveal your greatest gifts.
Learn to recognize your Core Gifts in both your greatest joys and your deepest heartbreaks. Discover how honoring these Core Gifts can change your entire search for love — and the quality of your life. The lesson almost no one teaches you about self-love. How to let your Core Gifts lead you to romantic love. How to create your own Gift-Circle. Learn to discover your own guiding insights; messages from your deepest self that have the power to transform your life and your search for love.
Create a five-minute spiritual practice which taps the power of your yearning for love. Learn to understand and navigate the changes which are beginning to occur in your own dating life and intimacy journey as a result of embracing your Core Gifts. Why our strongest attractions are often to people who are not good for us. How to become attracted to people who are good for you. How your attractions — both positive and negative — can help you understand yourself in much deeper ways.
The single decision that is almost guaranteed to transform your relationship future.
In Deeper Dating, you will learn a new path to finding lasting and meaningful Show your core gifts of vulnerability and authenticity and you'll find a partner who . Three ways to bring your self-love and insight to your dating life. book Deeper Dating), I strongly encourage you to enlist the help of a friend. Best of all would be a learning partner—someone who is also single and who will. If you want lifelong love with a partner who truly adores you, this course offers . In this module, you will learn the most important tools of Deeper Dating, each of.
Concrete Deeper Dating skills specifically designed for online dating, dating events, social gatherings and day-to-day life — with checklists, suggestions and exercises for each of these venues.
How to create a personal plan for your intimacy journey, using your own deep intuition.
Receive specific research-based techniques for developing and intensifying sexual and romantic connections with a partner. Expand your capacity to work with attractions that threaten to knock you off balance. Learn two powerful questions for bringing deeper humanity, love and sexual depth into your relationships. Use the skills and tools you have learned to create a loving plan for healing and changing these patterns.
The Deeper Dating Podcast is a wisdom-packed, research-filled toolkit for finding With the Deeper Dating Show, you will learn a new path to finding lasting and .. but Ken helped me to see that I desire a partner who “reflects” the best in me. And any one of them who is single can be your learning partner. In the meantime, look on the Deeper Dating website to find webinars, discussions, and . To ask other readers questions about Deeper Dating, please sign up. .. A worthwhile read helping you to understand your strengths before seeking a partner. or not, so that you can understand what I mean and learn to love your own gifts.
Learn the greatest antidote to fear of intimacy. Identify sources of support for your deeper journey into intimacy now that the course is moving toward conclusion.
Create a clear and inspiring vision of the wise, loving person you are becoming. Share with other class members the Core Gifts you have seen in them and be told about the Core Gifts other classmates have seen in you.
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