Main -> How dating -> Is there a nice way to say 'thanks, but no' in online dating? - onlinedating . Ask MetaFilter

Is there a nice way to say 'thanks, but no' in online dating? - onlinedating . Ask MetaFilter

Don't like him? Let Him Down Easy Like This...

By using our site, you acknowledge that you have read and understand our Cookie Policy , Privacy Policy , and our Terms of Service. Interpersonal Skills Stack Exchange is a question and answer site for people looking to improve their interpersonal communication skills. It only takes a minute to sign up. In online dating, people often find themselves in a situation where they are in contact with someone but do not want to continue the encounter and need to terminate it somehow. Doing this in a good way for both the person wanting to end the contact and the recipient of the rejection is not always easy. As a result, some people simply stop writing, hoping the other person won't write again and will eventually "go away". I'm not happy with this solution, as I know how stressful it can be to wait for a reply that doesn't come.

If you've met them face to face before and want to be friends but not date, then just tell them that. If they want an explanation, feel free to say "I would prefer not to", or simply not reply, as you prefer. If you don't want to risk burning a bridge with them, you could offer coffee in the daytime, but that's really optional. Yeah, if you've met them in person you can't do the ignore. I like desjardin's advice "I don't think we're a match I can deal much better with the straightforward approach when there isn't some sort of evaluation of me involved.

When you haven't met the person, ignore. Even though I don't place huge emotions in whatever happens with online dating, it kind of sucks to see you have a new message, open it and get a no. I usually just think the person is full of themselves enough to think I'm just hanging on their reply. I also don't send those messages to people who message me, when I don't want to go on a date with them. Agreeing that no response is the usual internet dating way to handle this. It's important to remember that e-dating values are different than RL values for better or worseand not responding is perfectly OK, even preferred.

That said, if you do need to respond, simply say 'Thanks, but no thanks'. And then do not communicate any further, even when prodded.

Renault at AM on May 2, I'll go against the grain and say it strikes me a guy as polite to send a quick I'll-pass note, 'specially if the person's taken the time to write more than a sentence or two. If you're concerned about follow-ups, you can send the note and block the people. Goodness, ignoring people is the polite thing nowadays? I much more would rather get a 'thank you, but no thank you' response then being blanked. Unless someone is being a jerk, or being aggressive, not responding just seems like the easy-for-me avoidance solution, not the polite solution.

Polite to me way to do it: "Thank you X, I really appreciate you taking the time to contact me. I am sorry, but I am not interested right now. Either Ambient2 or edgeways notes are fine. Sure they may be bummed, but at least they'll know where they stand and they can move onto someone else.

Random ladies you don't know, I think it's safe to ignore. No wondering if the person got your email, and no awkwardness. A quick response and onto the next person. I agree that "Thanks for your message but I don't think we'd be a good match" is the polite way to go. It's how I'd want to be treated so I used that as my guide. I generally vote for "ignore" in these situations, but I have experience with this sort of situation that makes me feel like you may want to actually say something.

When a person that I knew from around town -- not a friend, acquaintance, or even someone I'd ever actually spoken with, just someone I'd seen around at a few topical events -- found me on OKC, he wrote me a message immediately asking me out on a date.

I ignored it because he was so very much not my type physically that it would be an impossible gap to breach, many of his OKC answers were diametrically opposed to mine including the fact that he wanted kids and I do not, which is dealbreaker territory in your 30s ; besides, we did not actually know each other at all. Ignoring his message felt similar to ignoring those gas station attendants that always ask you for your phone number when you just want to buy gas.

A month or so later, I disabled my account because having an exceedingly busy life had utterly superseded any desire to date. A few days later, he found my email address we belong to a local email list that, hatefully, does not use blind carbon copy and sent me an message asking if he was the reason I disabled my OKC account.

At that point, I stopped attending the events I would see him at and never again returned. When I see him now, I avert my eyes.

I should have just said no.

What is the etiquette when you are not interested in a person who If I didn't want to talk to them, I would say thank you for the nice Is it offensive to ask someone you're talking to on an online dating site for more pictures?. Anyhow, I don't think my online dating profile is anything great, but I continue . I' ll go against the grain and say it strikes me (a guy) as polite to send a quick The fact that you're not romantically interested in them will have to. in hopes that the person you've been dating will figure it out and quit contacting you. But there are other ways to tell someone you're not interested. It is disrespectful But all we should have to do is say, "No." Your safety is.

I've literally never gotten a "thanks, but no thanks" response onlinebut I definitely have after I've gone on multiple, increasingly awkward dates with people who did not like me at all but were, I guess, trying to be nice?

There's no need to waste everyone's time with that approach. Please do not just go on dates with these women. As a lady who is currently seeking a dude to date, and who is often the initiator in these sorts of situations, I can attest that we are mostly adults who can handle honest rejection so long as it is delivered quickly and with minimal fuss -- truly, it is OK!

In fact, I think dudes I like who reject me as a prospective partner right up front are pretty sweet for having the nerve to just rip the band-aid off, and I have gone on to be good friends with some of them as a result. The only way these women could possibly think poorly of you is if you are rude in declining their invitations, or if you agree to take them out on dates while already knowing you did not want to be involved with them in any way.

Most people, men and women, have no interest in hurting anyone passively or If you find that online dating has overtaken your life and you have no control of. If you choose to explain to someone why you're not interested in them, try and Say hi to Adam Huie, CEO of the free dating app Let's Date. If most of your dating interactions happen online, things can be a lot different. Send a short reply saying, “Thanks for writing, but I'm not interested. If your online system informs the user that their e-mail was deleted unopened, that is a big.

The fact that you're not romantically interested in them will have to come out sooner or later, right? You shouldn't try to fake it and ignore your own feelings in hopes that you will be able to spare someone else from discomfort.

Saying you're not interested can be specific but don't get into specifics if you think it may How to write opening emails on online dating sites. I completely agree with your concerns on how it can be difficult to terminate a conversation with online dating and commend that you would like. When it comes to online dating etiquette, it's hard to know when and how to tell someone you're not into them. Dating experts share with us the.

We will never be able to spare people from discomfort, even if we do everything they want us to do. And the person you would attempt to force yourself to date would notice how hollow your words and actions are, sooner or later. Dropping a quick note with something like "I'm flattered that you'd like to go out on a date with me, but I just don't think we'd make a good match romantically.

Take care, best of luck! I would respond to someone if I knew them outside of the dating site.

How To Tell Someone You're Not Interested Without Ghosting

For everyone else I message people sometimes and forget about it pretty quickly no matter how much I liked their profile. I'm only going to remember you if you message me back. The only time I start to get into someone if is we have a couple of messages back and forth and it looks like we might meet, but that's regardless of whether I messaged first or the guy did.

I would be really disappointed if I found out someone went on a date with me out of some sort of guilty feeling of obligation. I message lots of people on dating sites. If every single guy who wasn't into me wrote to explain that I would just cry.

Once you've met, it's polite to respond. Otherwise ignore. I hate being ignored when I message someone, so I don't do that to guys that make an honest attempt to reach out to me. I was looking at my OKC inbox last night and realized that over the years I had skipped over a not-small amount of messages Some even from interesting people but maybe not interesting enough to date.

Thought it would be fun to write back just for the heck of it. One thing that doesn't seem so bad to do is to write a short note back, minimal, kind and acknowledging but fail to invite any follow-up by not asking questions. Works for me more often than not, but I might not have OP's natural magnetism. Not very many women in our culture are forward enough to ask for the date themselves for better and for worse usually for worse.

If they do, ain't nothing wrong with a straight forward, kind rejection.

I'm not interested in that way, you know? Hope you find someone who is! The courage to ask is rare and deserves to be nurtured if only for the sake of the next guy who might appreciate the message. The idea that one shouldn't waste one's time or others' time on dates with folks who aren't perfect matches is kind of silly, too.

Go out if you want to go out and don't go out if you don't want to go out. Obligations and expectations on first dates are for the birds. I don't believe in ignoring perfectly friendly people, whether in person or online. They're real people, even if it's the internet. However, it's also really important to be as straightforward as possible. As others have mentioned, saying a clear, polite "No, but thank you.

See you around! Personally, I would preempt the IRL issue. In your profile, include a one-liner along the lines of, I feel uncomfortable dating people I know through friends so don't take it personally if I don't respond for that reason. This gets you off the hook with the least amount of hurt feelings. It seems super weird to me to messages someone you know in real life on an online dating site. Thank god, someone with a heart.

It is unbearably rude to just ignore messages. Someone is, indeed, going out on a limb. The least you can do is say "Thank you, but I'm not interested'. Give them one chance to do the "Aww but I'm so awesome you'll love me" shtick, say "No thank you" again, and block them. Really, I don't understand how people think it's okay to just ignore other people when they're putting themselves out there.

To me, writing someone back to tell them "Thanks, but no thanks" is like waving over a bum on the side of the freeway to tell him you're not going to give him money. To me, it's rude to write back. For like 3 milliseconds, you get my hopes up when I see that someone has written me back, and then I open up the letter to find out you wrote me to tell me the exact same thing that I could have figured out if you hadn't written at all.

As you can see, people are pretty evenly split between "not replying is unspeakably rude" and "replying just to say no is a terrible insult. The only solution, then, is to do what makes you happy. Do you feel worse when you delete an email without replying, or when you reply and then occasionally get a response of the "but why not? Do whichever makes you less fed up with the process. Or, do unto others as you would like them to do unto you, knowing full well that some of them would actually prefer the opposite done unto them.

But understand that whatever you choose, you won't be able to make everyone happy, and you'll just have to live with that. Personally, I would prefer to receive a "no thanks" e-mail in this situation, especially if it looks like I put some effort into the e-mail. I can understand your hesitation to ignore someone, especially since in real life this would be completely rude and unacceptable.

I know it may feel crummy, but not responding really is the best option. That way, like 23skidoo said, you'll be able to avoid continued attention from people you don't want to associate with.

If they can't handle an un-returned message, that speaks to something within them that is off. There are an infinite number of reasons why you wouldn't reply; if they're healthy then they'll accept that as part of the process. It takes a lot of courage just to put up a profile, so good luck and I hope you find someone special! I also initially felt it was rude not to respond to everyone, so I would write back and say, "Thanks, but no thanks" to my unwanted gentlemen internet callers.

What I got back were some really crazed responses. One guy wrote me back after the "no thanks" and told me, and I quote, I was "the nail in the coffin" for him, that women were bitches, that my not accepting his offer to communicate was just the last straw for him, and he was ending his online dating membership because of me. Sheesh, how'd I let that charmer go?! Several others wrote back similar insulting things which led to my deciding that ignoring the emails was the best option.

This is contrary to my normal approach to life, but so it is. From the guy's perspective, I've had two guy friends tell me they would get their hopes up when they saw their mailboxes full, only to be disappointed when they discovered it was full of "thanks, but no thanks" responses as 23skidoo said.

I found a balanced approach worked best for me: if the email to me was clearly written expressly for me and involved some of the writer's time, I'd write back and politely decline.

However, if it was clearly a "form letter" seeking my attention and most of them wereI'd not respond at all. It's not rude to simply not respond. It's not even rude's second cousin. Not responding is so unrelated to rude that they don't even have the same number of chromosomes, legs or eyes. Delete the note.

How to Tell Someone You Are NOT Interested

If you're not interested, you don't really want them to show up in your searches, so add them to your 'dead to me' list, too. The other day, someone QuickMatched me. Thing is, this caginess doesn't work; in my "who's viewed you" list it tells me when people have looked at my ad. I'm not an idiot.

Online dating how to say youre not interested

So I saw that I'd been matched. Looked at the profile, saw that we had a few things in common, but, frankly, I didn't find her physically attractive in the least, I found some of her hobbies laughable and worthy of derision, and she's married and poly; I am not poly-friendly. I sent her a note saying that I wasn't interested in my usual comic easy-letdown style.

But a couple of hours later I considered: getting rejected sucks ass a lot more than getting ignored. She responded to my note, but I elected to delete it unread and block her.

I was probably just feeling extra chatty. But the conclusion remains: I shouldn't have sent her a note. I dunno -- I did the online dating thing for a while, and I always made a point of responding to anyone that had even made a token effort to read, pay attention to, and seem open to discussing stuff in my profile.

There's a world of difference between "Hi, I saw on your profile that you're reading A Suitable Boy -- I read it last year and thought it was great, but didn't really care for the ending. How far along are you in it? You seem pretty cool -- if you'd like to talk books sometime, message me back!

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LOL rite me back K" as in the first, I'd think, merits a "thanks, but I'm not really interested" and the second no reply.

I have been on the sending side of personalized messages on OKC quite a few times. Getting no response to such messages is a common occurrence and it's totally acceptable.

My current girlfriend who I met on OKC would always send polite rejections to guys who she wasn't interested in. She eventually decided to delete her account because she couldn't deal with all of the messages that she felt an imperative to respond to.

Given the trade off between getting courteous rejection messages and having more women on the site, I'd would pick the latter without a doubt.

When people send the first message, they know they might not get a response. It's not a big deal. If it seems like the fellow in question actually took the time to compose a thoughtful email based on what he read in your profile, the nice thing to do is to send back a polite message telling him you're not interested. If you get a message from a guy that just says "Hey what's up?

I did the online dating thing for a little while as well, and a non-response is completely the norm. That's just the way it is. It's not rude at all. Don't respond to someone unless you're interested. I think it's immensely rude to ignore messages that have been custom-fashioned to attract your attention. If I find a person on OKC interesting, I spend 20 minutes studying her profile and making comments and followup questions. It's OK not to be impressed, but I would appreciate 15 seconds of your time to know that you're not interested.

Even with a form letter. Of course, those who don't put effort in shouldn't get it back.

It's just a social norm I disagree with. Unless that occasional profile comes along that looks like a match made in heaven, in which case I bash my head in wondering what she didn't like about me. Different topic, though Someone responded that recipients don't owe me anything. To an extent, this is true.

But think of it in a more tangible context. Say a stranger walks up to me and asks what book I'm reading. I could keep reading like a deaf-mute and pretend he's not there, because, hey, I don't owe him anything.

It is safe to ignore the generic messages that don't mention anything in your profile, since they are more or less spam. Do a couple sentences about the weather, or that crazy water-skiing squirrel you saw on the YouTube.

Maybe I haven't run into many desperate men, but the conversation has always died fairly quickly after that. This method requires effort, assumes you aren't getting 20 messages a day, and carries a very small risk of ending up on a date with Ralph Wiggum. I hate to be rude too, but let's face it: there's a lot of psycho men out there, and you DON'T know which of these guys you aren't interested in is one of them and will lose his shit on you if you say no personally.

Even the ones who can write a nice personal e-mail on round one may go mouth-foamy on you if you send a polite decline. Being polite to everyone is not worth the amount of shit that a chick on the Internet is going to get for saying no directly.

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